No longer attracted to my husband


I AM no longer attracted to my husband as before. I don’t know what I should do to rekindle that first love we had for each other?
ANS: Sis, thanks for your text to Godly Counsel. You are not alone. As you can imagine, this question comes also from men. I will quickly talk about how to handle changing feelings in marriage. Foremost, our bodies, both as men and women, undergo changes over the years. Wrinkles and dimpling begin to replace smooth skin, and muscle tissue turns to fat. Yes, we can also be guilty to compounding the impact of aging by neglecting exercise, a healthy lifestyle, hygiene, and medical care.
Perhaps you are still expecting to ‘feel’ the excitement of new love after a decade of marriage. There might even be a guy at work that gives you those ‘tickles’, tricking you into thinking that he is a better match for you than your husband is. Remember that the draw of new love doesn’t last, no matter who you are with.
Affection and attraction are impacted by what we choose to focus on. Sure, your husband might not have ‘six packs’ like a body builder or a thick head of hair. Along with his flaws, I know there are things about him that others appreciate or you used to appreciate in your early days of marriage! Does he have beautiful eyes or a kind smile? Is he friendly or hardworking?
Philippians 4:8 says, “Whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is admirable if anything is excellent or praiseworthy, think about such things” (NIV). Your mind is a powerful tool in creating attraction, even after years of marriage. The key here is, not to give up on your marriage no matter what.
Lastly, for you to gain the lost spark, both of you should consider investing in long lasting aspects of attraction like friendship, having fun together and expressing appreciation for one another. Blessings!
Is it normal for couple to stay a week without sex?
Dear Pastor,
I have been married for 17 years. I had ups and downs in marriage. My husband is 55 years and I will be turning 40 in December. He is one man who likes sleeping out and sometimes we don’t make love for a week. Is it normal for a couple to stay one week without sex? I really need help.
ANS: Thank you for your text. So, how much sex is “normal?” I am reluctant to quantify how much sex is enough sex. It could make some couples feel wholly inadequate, and some couples get along just fine without much sex. But while fewer than 10 times a month is considered sexless, having sex twice or thrice a week is considered average.
Medical experts say, while medical problems and some medications can cause loss of desire including some antidepressants and some birth control pills, most problems revolve around differing and unfulfilled expectations.
In addition to stress and exhaustion, experts say, anger and resentment can build to the point where sex stops. Other factors in sexless marriages include subverting one’s sex drive to, say, pornographic Internet sites or affairs with other people.
In general, however, a couple’s problems are often more less about sex. No couple’s willingness for sex at any given time lines up perfectly. The key is how well you negotiate the times when one initiates and the other refuses.
And when the sex stops, often the casual affection stops: the hand-holding, the laughing at each other’s jokes, the sitting next to each other on the couch. When relationships become that icy, they risk infidelity and, ultimately, divorce.
You as a couple need to put as much energy into your sex lives as your job and children. Set the mood early in the day with simple flirtations around the house, a patting on the rear end, complimenting the spouse’s appearance. And of course, avoid bickering before bedtime. If you have deep-seated problems you should seek counselling from your local pastor. Blessings!
What’s the purpose of marriage?
Dear Pastor,
What’s the purpose of marriage? Sometimes I think of it as free sex and housekeeping. Is marriage just an arrangement of living off my husband financially in exchange for taking care of a home and making meals?
ANS: Thanks sis for your question. Well, if marriage is only a fair exchange of goods and services, then it makes perfect sense to live together without the paper making it legal. After all, a man and woman can exchange all of these things without being married. And if this is how we view marriage, we should dissolve marriages when the exchange between husband and wife is no longer fair. In reality, this is why most marriages fall apart when the ‘arrangement’ is no longer working.
But marriage is much, much more. The true meaning of marriage has nothing to do with fairness or equity. Wedding vows have never said, “I promise to give you as much as you give me” or “I will love you as long as our relationship is equitable.” Marriage is not an agreement but was designed from the beginning of time to be a covenant.
The essence of marriage is written within our bodies. Within every one of us is a cry for intimacy, a longing to be known, and the drive to express fully the joy of love. We may have faced illness, financial stress, sharp disagreements, successes and failures but God has always been there for humankind to establish and protect marriage. God asks for complete trust and fidelity, even during times when our relationship with him makes no sense. In this journey God promises, “I will never leave you or forsake you.” (Hebrews 13:5). Blessings!
Love lines:
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Tip of the week
Marriage: “To maintain the spark, couples should consider investing in long lasting aspects of attraction like friendship, having fun together and expressing appreciation for one another”. Blessings
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